Ebb & Flora

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Every day is an emotional rollercoaster for me, though. I often slip in and out of good and bad moods like a child trying to wade into the freezing ocean for a swim. I have a little sign I made myself above my desk: respect the ebb and flow. But it’s easier said than done.

There is no diagnosis for depression that cycles in and out of me throughout my days on a whim. Therapists have been asking me to examine my thoughts, my potential triggers, for decades. My answer is, more often than not, a mere shrug. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Nobody knows what causes our moods to undulate. Maybe it isn’t a thought or an external trigger. Maybe it’s an unseen internal force, a hormone fluctuation perhaps. But because even science can’t see that, the focus is on me and what I can supposedly control, which is my thoughts (ha! I say to that idea) and behaviours. This is kind of maybe victim blaming when in reality, my moods are far beyond my control. Then again, it’s all we have. Focusing on what’s conscious is all we can do to fight against the unconscious forces beating us at their invisible game.

Today I felt terrible, like I’d been crying for days but without the catharsis or relief, just the grief. Then suddenly, I realized I felt cozy, contemplative, content, my favourite feelings. But before I could steer my ship onto a course of making the most of that mood, I lost it again.

Tomorrow I have therapy. My therapist will ask me if I can identify the whys of my moods, my behaviours, my thoughts. Maybe she and I, maybe we all, need to be comfortable with the truth: nobody knows.